Too Little Time Jokes
Actual Announcements Taken from Church Bulletins
1) Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
2) Thursday night-Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
3) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
4) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
5) The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Reverend and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
6) This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
7) Tuesday at 4PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
8) Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
9) Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.
10) This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mr. Vassilas to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
11) The service will close with "Little Drops Of Water". One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in.
12) Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
13) The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
14) A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
15) At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?". Come early and listen to our choir practice.
16) Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
17) The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
18) Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
19) 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
20) Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
21) The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
22) Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who is preparing for the girth of their first child.
23) Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
24) The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
25) The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge-Up Yours."
And staying with the Church Theme....
A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners, who he knew was an unkempt housekeeper. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.
"Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.
She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them."
He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.
When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, "Here Soap! Here Water! Come and get it!"
Ok.. the following are sexual in nature.
So all you kiddies move on to another page.
If you are 18 or older...move on down the page.
----- Number nine
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."
----- Number eight
A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man. "6 shots! Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, Nothing will."
-----Number seven
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to a gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."
----- Number six
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
----- Number five
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a
number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife
that
he
had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into
the
pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex
therapist
to
talk about it, but Bill indicated that he would be too embarrassed.
He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks
later,
Bill came home ashen. His wife could see at once that something was
seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember
that
I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the
pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God,
Bill,
what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened
with
the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."
--- Number four
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma
for
several years. On this visit, he decides to rub her left breast
instead
of just talking to her. On doing this, she lets out a sigh. The man
runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and
suggests
he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any
reaction.
The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan
from
his wife also. The doctor suggests that the man should go in and try
oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he
doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes
out
about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his
wife
is dead. The doctor asks what happen to which the man replies:
"She
choked."
--- Number three
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the
alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll
make
you a deal. I will open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals
inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He will
then open his mouth and I will remove my unit unscathed. In return
for
witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The
crowd
murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his
trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The
gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man
grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of
its
head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals
unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free
drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another
offer.
"I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell
over
the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A
blonde woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise
not
to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".
---- Number two
A small guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge
dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small
guy
and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball,
3
pound right ball, Turner Brown" The small guy faints! The big
dude picks up the small guy, brings him to, slapping his face and
shaking him, and asks the small guy. "What's wrong?" The small guy
says,
"Excuse me but what did you say?" The big dude looks down
and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball,
3
pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown." The small guy says,
"Thank
god, I thought you said turn around."
---- Number one
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the
breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife,
"Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she
replied, "just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this
breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "we were
probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well,"
Granny snickered, "what do you say... should we get naked?" Where
upon
the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know,
honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "my nipples are
as
hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be
surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is
in your oatmeal!
----
I've asked my wife if we could work out a signal for sex. I told her
that if she wants to have sex she is to pull on my penis one time.
And
if she doesn't want to have sex she should pull on my penis 100
times...